Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Next I'll Try Porn

Like a fat old boxer I never learn, or maybe, to be more accurate, I always go back when I shouldn't. It's been several months since I last played World of Tanks. More than a few patches have come and gone and I've yet to try them. Fancy new graphics, new game modes, new tank trees.... wait, no that doesn't count because I've always felt that new tank trees were a shit form of 'new' content. Lazy buggers.

So like a fat old boxer I decided to get in the ring again. Surely, by now, the game would be better, or rather (at least) I'd have fun again after a nice refreshing break. I patched up my game engine, downloaded and installed my mods, and bam! I was off. Now, by now, if you know me at all, you can guess how this is gonna turn out. I found myself, merely three games in, alone, on a flank, in a tank not designed to hold said flank. My teammates? Oh never fear, dear reader, they were pushing hard on the opposite flank! They were gonna take that flank, by gosh, and it didn't matter if one or two of them died. Or three. Or four. Or, maybe ten of them. Yes, I said ten.

Well now we're not gonna let that shake us are we? As an eternal pessimist I have to say that yes, it did. Never-the-less I played a few more, and though we won, I was growing frustrated with my poor performance. I was rusty, and I hate that. Oh, and you know what else I hate? Holding a flank. Alone. Again, and again, and again. And just when I thought that holding a flank all alone was getting pretty darn boring I started to get abuse from a team mate because I wasn't charging the enemy. Alone. On a flank. Uphill. Ironically enough, the very same map, on the very same flank, up the very same hill, that 10 of my team-mates had previously died at. Yes, ironic and funny in the same way getting shot in the knee is funny. (Ha. ha.... Oh shit that hurt). So what did I do?

Weeeelllll, I lose it! I over-react. I say hey, mush mouth.....

Never mind, that'll make more sense if you listen to the video below, or you're a good Canadian who knows about 'The Champ' comedy radio clips.

Needless to say I wasn't impressed. I wasn't having fun, and I wasn't playing well. Just like Mike Tyson (who I think, by the way, has done a remarkable job of re-inventing himself so don't track me down and beat me) I shoulda stayed away and sipped some nice scotch while reminiscing about the glory days when my WN rate was over 1300 and my win rate was 52%, and all the tank roads were paved with gold (ammo, that is).

So what's next for Gank? I really don't know. I did dabble with War Thunder but only for a battle or two. I don't have the mental stamina to learn a new multi-player game. Maybe I'm just in a gaming funk. Maybe, like Mike, I"ll try my hand at becoming a porn star. Surely they desperately need handsome, out of shape, middle aged men to make it more realistic? Imagine the money they'd save- I'd only be on set for five minutes, and then I'd need a week to recover. How can they lose?

No? Alright, how about a one man play then? Surely Spike Lee wouldn't mind doing my life story too. I could trade him a top notch world of tanks account with 25k in gold, and a pile of premium tanks. Spike? You there Spike? It's a good deal my friend. Heck, I'll even start watching your films again (no I won't)!

Ahhh, fuck it, let's just listen to the champ.



Wednesday, June 11, 2014

It's Not Paddys Day Anymore.........You Feckers

No, it's definitely not Paddys Day anymore and I know this because I can see the previous post I made which clearly states that's it is Paddys Day. Using deductive reasoning I can conclude that, save for one of my patented time travels, it's not Paddys Day. That and I can see the date on the calendar so, you know, that helps.

So, yea, two posts all year? Wow, that's pretty shit, and what ever happened to that whole You Tube thing? Well, if you must know I've retired for the moment and am sitting back enjoying the cash that floods in every month from my monetized views. It simply takes me ages to decide how to invest the five bucks I get every month. Ages. With time being limited I decided to give IOS gaming a serious go. This way, you see, I can get 'quality' time in with She Who Will Be Named Later on the couch. She is currently getting caught up on Orange is the New Black and is a season behind. After months of proclaiming she wouldn't watch it, she is now feeling awfully foolish for being so stubborn. I don't blame her, really, as most pop-culture 'hit's are anything but, however, in this case I personally vouched for it and I have some pretty discerning taste with regards to TV.

And God Bless Netflix. Let me just get that out of the way. They've saved me from a life of piracy and you tube only viewing. I love Netflix. Can you marry a streaming service I wonder? Maybe, but then as I was married in Ireland I'd have to be legally separated from She Who Will Be Named Later for FOUR YEARS before I could divorce her, and would Netflix wait for me? Likely not. I guess I'll just stick with what I have....for now. Bloody Irish and their Catholic Pro-Family ways.

Right, where was I? Ah yes, IOS gaming on the Ipad specifically. I crossed over the the dark (apple) side over a year ago now and decided to give the gaming aspect a proper go. Now, 'proper' is open to interpretation of course, but this is me lads, so you won't find shit games like Angry Elephants or what-ever is sucking the cash out of the punters these days. My first foray was a classic oldie that I loved very much- Sid Meier's Pirates! I also grabbed Frontline: Road to Moscow (Slitherine strategy), and Battleheart Legacy (Action RPG). I have my eye on the recently released (for IPAD) Democracy 3, and the $20 Battle Acadamy (plus more for the DLC or, as they call it in the app store, IAP). I note the $20 price tag because it seems expensive to most IOS gamers due to the flood of .99 games and 'free' games which will cost you an arm and most of a leg to actually play- but they're FREE so that's BETTER than $20 isn't it?

So far, I have to say, I'm slightly impressed, but not overly taken with IOS as a format for games. Pirates plays like shit with touch controls (only my opinion, many people rate this game highly and it is very, very faithful to the PLAYSTATION version..ahem...'nuff said), and Frontline Road to Moscow is a nice diversion. I mean that in the same way McDonalds is a nice diversion when you're hungry. It's not going to sustain you, but what the hell, huh? To be more specific it's a bit easy for a 'hard core' strategy PC gamer like myself.

Battleheart Legacy really blew me away. I was really impressed with the game-play, graphics, and controls. It felt, at first, like Torchlight II light.....very light. I am currently 5 hours in and am now realizing that it's dead easy and pretty repetitive. Again, damn fine effort for the IOS, and for $5 (and no in-app purchases ever) it represents some pretty good value. However- it's just too easy. There is no penalty for dying at all really (a few coins), and everything just falls dead before you once you get the hang of it. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind that- I modded Torchligh II so I could do easy mode after a few play-throughs- but I really feel the difference between a PC mega-hit like Torchilgh II, and a Ipad mega-hit like Battleheart Legacy. It's like candy: cheap and cheerful and built for gamers on the move or with limited time...like myself I suppose.

We'll see how it goes once I get a few more IOS titles under my belt. I have played 100's of SolForge games on my phone, so all is not lost. I also just downloaded Republique (currently free) and am so stoked about this game I've decided to wait and give it a proper review. Someone in the app store comments section suggested that this is a must for anyone considering the Ipad as a serious gaming platform and so far (less than one hour in) I am in agreement with that.