Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Next I'll Try Porn

Like a fat old boxer I never learn, or maybe, to be more accurate, I always go back when I shouldn't. It's been several months since I last played World of Tanks. More than a few patches have come and gone and I've yet to try them. Fancy new graphics, new game modes, new tank trees.... wait, no that doesn't count because I've always felt that new tank trees were a shit form of 'new' content. Lazy buggers.

So like a fat old boxer I decided to get in the ring again. Surely, by now, the game would be better, or rather (at least) I'd have fun again after a nice refreshing break. I patched up my game engine, downloaded and installed my mods, and bam! I was off. Now, by now, if you know me at all, you can guess how this is gonna turn out. I found myself, merely three games in, alone, on a flank, in a tank not designed to hold said flank. My teammates? Oh never fear, dear reader, they were pushing hard on the opposite flank! They were gonna take that flank, by gosh, and it didn't matter if one or two of them died. Or three. Or four. Or, maybe ten of them. Yes, I said ten.

Well now we're not gonna let that shake us are we? As an eternal pessimist I have to say that yes, it did. Never-the-less I played a few more, and though we won, I was growing frustrated with my poor performance. I was rusty, and I hate that. Oh, and you know what else I hate? Holding a flank. Alone. Again, and again, and again. And just when I thought that holding a flank all alone was getting pretty darn boring I started to get abuse from a team mate because I wasn't charging the enemy. Alone. On a flank. Uphill. Ironically enough, the very same map, on the very same flank, up the very same hill, that 10 of my team-mates had previously died at. Yes, ironic and funny in the same way getting shot in the knee is funny. (Ha. ha.... Oh shit that hurt). So what did I do?

Weeeelllll, I lose it! I over-react. I say hey, mush mouth.....

Never mind, that'll make more sense if you listen to the video below, or you're a good Canadian who knows about 'The Champ' comedy radio clips.

Needless to say I wasn't impressed. I wasn't having fun, and I wasn't playing well. Just like Mike Tyson (who I think, by the way, has done a remarkable job of re-inventing himself so don't track me down and beat me) I shoulda stayed away and sipped some nice scotch while reminiscing about the glory days when my WN rate was over 1300 and my win rate was 52%, and all the tank roads were paved with gold (ammo, that is).

So what's next for Gank? I really don't know. I did dabble with War Thunder but only for a battle or two. I don't have the mental stamina to learn a new multi-player game. Maybe I'm just in a gaming funk. Maybe, like Mike, I"ll try my hand at becoming a porn star. Surely they desperately need handsome, out of shape, middle aged men to make it more realistic? Imagine the money they'd save- I'd only be on set for five minutes, and then I'd need a week to recover. How can they lose?

No? Alright, how about a one man play then? Surely Spike Lee wouldn't mind doing my life story too. I could trade him a top notch world of tanks account with 25k in gold, and a pile of premium tanks. Spike? You there Spike? It's a good deal my friend. Heck, I'll even start watching your films again (no I won't)!

Ahhh, fuck it, let's just listen to the champ.



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