Friday, June 1, 2012

Fortuitious Friday: A New Mouth To Feed

I suppose I should tell you how happy and joyful I am as a new parent and how thrilled I am that there is a new life to care and nurture, but instead I'm going to tell you the truth: Holy Fuck I'm Glad That's Over. And yes, the capital letters on each word are intentional. Never have I been witness to such a horrible, anxiety producing, emotional situation as the birth of my daughter and I've seen a bloody hell of a lot of things, let me tell you.

Forty (40) hours of labor and almost every possible medical intervention imaginable shattered what we expected to be a run-of-the-mill natural (ish) birth. I'm going to spare you all the details (they are, after all, quite private) but let me just say if they would have had a walk-in-vasectomy clinic beside the labor ward I would have pushed my new baby aside to have rushed in for the procedure. Really. Everyone is saying, oh just wait you'll see, you'll want more, etc, etc, but I can say, with the greatest of confidences to them: balls to that. I was there, and they were not. Watching She Who Will Be Named Later endure that long, hellish ordeal, and then watching the heartbeat of New Mouth To Feed drop lower, and lower.... well I know my limits, and for children, it's one. Definitely one.

Both mother and baby are fine: healthy and happy. Sleep is starting to come in 3-hour bursts and the emotional and physical exhaustion is beginning to ebb. I've even managed to sneak some gaming in and am rather enjoying staying up late watching movies on the BBC. I've impressed upon New Mouth To Feed that Wales has an excellent Rugby team and by her lack of argument to the contrary, she seems to agree. I am now off work, and thanks to Canada's generous parental leave laws, I don't have to return until February, 2013. Yea, that's right, work is for suckers. Just imagine all the gaming I'll be able to, I mean parenting of course. It shouldn't be long before she's big enough for one of those cool back-packs which will allow me to keep her happy (and asleep) while I continue to blast noobs in World Of Tanks. That will make the all-night sessions more than bearable!

Happy Friday Everyone!


  1. Gonna go out on a limb here and assert that biology + She Who Will Probably Never Be Named Later Or Ever may surprise with the whole "wanting another" scene. She may say MOAR. But probably not immediately.

    Congratulations. :) Now get that kid a WoT account.

  2. Congrats! The "plant" period (i.e., you put them on the ground blanket and they stay there, and they sleep a lot) is the best for gaming. Enjoy it. I've got three kids, twins that are four and one that is two. Believe me when I say... stopping at one is a good idea.

  3. Glad to hear mother and daughter are doing well. And it sounds like Dad might be getting there too.

    I'd offer words of encouragement, but if you're going to breed another Wales supporter, I hope you get no sleep at all during your five million years of parental leave.

    Oh okay. All the best!

  4. Haha ya nature is wayyy smart... Mom get this forget-stuff drug pumped in by their hormones and forget the child birthing scene entirely.. you may not want another one but she probably will. :).

  5. Awesome! Congratulations!

  6. Well Gank, that all sounded fucking awful. Here's hoping it's all up from here. By the way, she'll probably want more because girls have this marvellous natural endorphin hit that causes them to forget what really happened.

    Us men of course get no such natural protection. Which is why I am a great believer in the old fashioned men down at the pub smoking a cigar while the whole thing is going on. It's only natural you see.

  7. @noisy- I couldn't agree more. It should be standard fare, but somewhere along the lines they thought having a worrying, useless man present would 'help'. Ahh well, She says I helped tremendously, so that's all that matters.

  8. Sorry it is so long since I saw this - but congratulations.