Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Lack of Orbital Rotational Realignment An Outrage: Gankalicious

Lack of Orbital Rotation Realignment An Outrage: Gankalicious
Slap in the Face Narrowly Averted

It began as merely an inconvenience. It quickly became an outrage, and almost turned into a full blown, literal, slap in the face.

“It may seem silly to you,” Gankalicious explained, “but it is of the utmost concern to me, I assure you.”

Gankalicious was born in the North West Territory of Canada, and narrowly escaped the yearly cull when he was dragged from his bed by a baby seal that was subsequently clubbed by a good Samaritan.

“I was terrified, I assure you,” he said, regarding this formative incident. “They are vicious beasts and I can say that if any of these weak-kneed, animal loving protestors had ever been carried off in the night by one of them, they’d certainly reconsider their position.”

There are, in fact, several seal-based abductions yearly in Canada’s northernmost territories. Gankalicious did not, however, spend all of his life in that snow-encrusted, frigid, hell hole, seeking revenge against a nation of baby seals, and this is where the problem began.

“Well, I spent a considerable amount of time away from Canada during my work as a Drug Mule. I eventually found myself living in Ireland, and then the UK, where I grew fond of the tiny European inhabitants and their cute accents. I thought I was simply assimilating, but it got to the point where I started to hate my own accent. By the time I left no one could tell I was Canadian by the way I spoke. I sounded very Irish,” he chuckled. “I remember the soldiers at Heathrow slipping the safety off their machine guns when I went through the departure lounge talking on my mobile.”

“The symptoms started about a month after I moved back. I was lethargic, sweating a lot, and to be honest, very depressed. I was starting to like cheap lager a lot more, and was taking an interest in a lot of really, really bad television shows. My friends thought it was just jet-lag but my doctor ordered a series of extensive testes, and eventually they revealed I had Euroaccentuitis.”

Euroaccentuitis is a little-known disease that affects roughly 2-million people world-wide. It is a physical condition that develops in some people after living in Europe for a significant amount of time. In the affected individuals their lymph-system begins to produce a chemical called Euroitis which is absorbed by their cells. After enough time the body’s cells become dependent upon it. The chemical is released when the brain is bombarded by European accents, usually from the region in which the individual lived, and begins to deplete when they move away.

It is classified as a genetic, congenital disorder, and Euroaccentuitis can have significant physical and psychological effects including lethargy, depression, a desire to shower, a need to be circumcised, and an intense craving for good ale, football, and fish wrapped in paper. Prolonged withdrawal can lead to a love of hotdogs, basketball, and laughter tracks in poorly acted sit-coms which go on for far too many seasons.

Treatment is simple: continuous exposure to the accents-of-origin will cause the production of Euroitis and alleviate the symptoms. Gankalicious summed it up like this:

“So basically, all that I am asking for is that MMO developers take my condition into account because it’s not that I prefer to group with European players, per se, it’s that I actually need to. If they could simply change the orbit and rotation of the Earth, or bend the space-time continuum it would allow me to group with people in the EU time zone on a more regular basis. Failing that I would consider utilizing the transporter system as seen in Star Trek so long as I wasn’t made to wear a red shirt prior to departure.”

According to an anonymous source at the United Nations, companies who fail to take into account the disabilities (such as Euroaccentuitis) of their players can face charges in the International Human Rights Court.

“While I won’t say it’s on par with, say, genocide,” our UN source said “it is at least as important as the fight for a woman’s right to education, or clean water for rural villages.”

Thanks to Melmoth for inspiring this one!


  1. You know, the only solution is a stern post on the game's forums!

    Scientific theory has it that if you type enough of your post in uppercase letters, and with the right amount of venom, the impact of your appeal to the developers can actually shift the Earth's axis by several degrees. Thus, enough angry rant-filled forum posts about the issue will actually get you what you want.

    Alas, to date their have been equally as many people on the European continent who want to play with their US friends doing the same thing but in the opposite direction, and therefore the balance of the Earth's axis has remained relatively stable.

    Looking on the bright side, however: if all the angry ranty posts were all to work in the same direction, it would tumble the Earth from its stable orbit and send it spinning into the Sun!

    This is why MMO forum moderation is seen as such a critical yet dangerous job.

  2. Oh boy - you are NOT going to like Guild Wars 2. Have you heard the voice actors they're using?

    They would be seriously bad for your health. Your best bet would be to stay in the pseudo celtic Norn territories.

    I should know, I work in Clinical Research.

  3. Never fear, I ill find the Celtic enclave and hide there!

    That and I likely won't play much of the pve game providing they set it up like GW1 and allow me to go straight to pvp :)

    I've actually been avoiding all GW2 hype- is it all North American voices?